she's just saying...

That was quick.

My interest in dating, that is.

One evening spent making small talk with a stranger was all it took to remind me of how incredibly rare it is to find that special connection with someone. It wasn't that bad, really  -- it was similar to sitting next to a pleasant, but boring, person on the plane, chatting and not knowing how to end the conversation. I wish I had the balls moxy of Ellen Barkin in "Sea of Love:" "I don't feel it with you: I can tell like that" with a snap of the fingers, get up and leave and save us both from a boring hour or two.

Just think of the knitting I could have accomplished!

Oh well. Good to have done it, I suppose. Reminded me that it's not my thing.

Back to the Buddhist nun's existence.

The Big D

D is for Dating. Yikes.

I've jumped back into the pool, though into the shallow end (in more ways than one). I met someone for a drink last night, and am meeting another someone Saturday pm. I'm not looking for a relationship right now [well, maybe I am], just the opportunity to get out and mingle with people of the male persuasion. Oh, the horror!

It's not so bad. Gets me cleaned up and out of the house, and it's good to feel attractive again after that long slow rejection. It's definitely an investment of time, energy and makeup.

I'm guessing most of my readers are long past this silliness, and happy about it. Any encouraging words?

Thoughts on being single

It's not easy to be single in Bend, the ultimate family town. It's not so bad if you're in your twenties, as there are a lot of snowboarders/mountain bikers/climbers/beer bongers/computer geeks to hang out with. It's when you're in your 40's and 50's and with a younger child that things get really tough. Older single guys have already left a family behind in most cases, and just want to be footloose again, partying, traveling and "taking long walks on the beach." (It's only two hundred miles away...)

But lest I sound negative, there's a lot to be said for being a middle-aged single parent. (Whee - sounds like fun, doesn't it?) I cook for Henry and myself only, and if I don't feel like it, I don't. I'll eat cheese and crackers or nuke something and he'll be quite happy with mac and cheese from the box (plus broccoli, of course!). We do whatever we want on weekends, whether it's hanging out watching sports and cartoons or heading out for an adventure. Nobody's asking for my time and attention, other than cats and dogs and Henry, all of whom are easy to please. And I have the bathroom/closet/kitchen/TV/bed all to myself, to be as indulgent as I want. There's no negotiation, compromise, misunderstandings or power struggles. It's all about me, and Henry.

OK, on the down side, no cuddles of the adult kind, other parental type to take over when H has got me beat, someone to do the dishes while the other does the bedtime struggle, no one to fix the disposal or lift out the air conditioners. For the heavy lifting, I rely on neighbors; the rest I shoulder by myself. It can be a little isolating, but at least I know what I can count on.

Reading this, I realize it portrays a somewhat negative view of marriage as a state of struggle, disappointment and appeasement. Yeesh - no wonder I'm single. But finally, really, I'm getting to be okay with it, and even pretty comfortable. You know my mantra: You Can't Have Everything.

Therefore, it's important to ac-cen-tuate the positive, e-lim-inate the negative and pour yourself another glass of wine.

Feels so good...

...feeling good again. Two months seems to be the ticket. What once was a painful ache is now a pang of regret. Whadda ya know?  It really does take time. "Every day, in every way..."

These days, work, Henry, kittens, dead fish (yes, he seems to have succumbed), baseball, knitting, work events, flag football practice, homework and oh yes, work seem to be filling my plate. I'm very happy with the new job - it's just right. I'm energized by it and challenged, and feel I can contribute substantially while learning new things, all critical criteria for the easily-bored. It's good to learn once again that I actually do like working, after the slow painful wind-down of Edge and an aimless summer.

This is turning into a catch-up blog, what with all the self-referential links. So, to round things out, Oreo is going under the knife on Tuesday, then is moving in with some friends of ours, so we get to see him grow. Some regrets, but right now he's in the pouncing and biting phase, so it's a little easier. It's actually kind of scary to have a very fierce kitten, claws out, determined to jump on your face and bite you. Over and over. Everyone's a little nervous around him right now.

Back in the saddle, and dreams

First (official) day on the job! Mostly I've been cleaning out my inherited office and trying to find the bathroom. So far I'm loving it. I have yet to get outside and see the critters, but I'm making it a priority for this week. More to come on the cool stuff.

Do you have recurrent dreams?

I tend to have two dream themes that recur: one involves planes and trains. I get on the wrong ones, miss them, go the wrong way, get lost in train stations, etc. (It used to involve packing problems as well, but I guess I've gotten over my "baggage" issues.) These aren't necessarily bad dreams, they're just tedious. (The details of traveling these days are bad enough - who needs to dream about them?) I never make it to my destination or even remember what it is when I awake.

 

The other one centers on missing class at some prestigious private school and panicking because we're getting tested (a classic). It's always calculus or physics or something I haven't done any work for and can't fake. I'm late for class or I haven't gone all semester or I haven't done the reading and so forth.

Very anxiety-producing, a feeling that stays with me through the next day. Not surprisingly, I had one of those last night.

Someday maybe I'll dream that I arrive at my destination or that I'm prepared and pass the test. Til then, I'll keep getting on the wrong train and walking into the classroom unprepared.

Can I be done? and other questions

 How long does it take to get over a broken heart?  I've been trying to follow the recommendation from a great self-help book, which is not to have contact with your ex for 60 days. I've done pretty well with that, aside from some tipsy hugs during the concerts last weekend and a few text messages about baseball. It's good advice, but really hard to follow when you live three doors away. It doesn't seem to have helped, anyway.

Why does it still hurt as much as it has the last eight times we broke up? Shouldn't I be getting used to this? The heart's capacity for hope, denial and forgiveness is amazing - I keep testing the limits and not finding them. Self-preservation does kick in finally, thankfully. But the fact that it's the right thing to do doesn't make it any easier to take.

How do I get past this?  The most random things trigger a pang: a song, a trip to the farmer's market, an article I've read, turning down the wrong street, hearing a baseball score. But as Kathi says, there are things that help. Meditation, pets, friends, children, projects, compelling work; all contribute to getting through the day, and I'd even say that overall I'm happy. But the tears of a clown, etc.

Does love ever come without pain? Based on the empirical evidence I've gathered from the last thirty years, I'd have to say no. Maybe in the next thirty . . .

Six words to describe your life

The book Not Quite What I was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure, by Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser, is a cogent little compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were: For Sale: baby shoes, never worn.

(I don't really understand this actually: was he referring to his own shoes? He had kids, so it couldn't be theirs, so what gives? Anyway, I digress [my memoir in just three words right there.])

So, this is a wildly popular meme and since I'm always up for talking about myself a challenge, here we go. How I'd sum up my life varies wildly depending on how I feel at any particular moment. Maybe that's one:

Can't describe it: it keeps changing.

A few more:

PA, VT, AK, MA, CA, OR.

Getting old but feel fourteen inside.

I'm on a roll:

So much love, yet still single.

I hope I'm reborn a kitten.

And from the Dalai Lama's thoughts on the meaning of life:

Be happy: help others be happy.

 

Alright, all my froggers (friend/bloggers). I won't call out your names in front of the whole class, but start writing. Either here or take the ball and go home to your own blog with it. It's kind of addicting.

[Read more submissions to the next book project here.]

To my lovely lurkers

Alright, you people. What's it going to take to get you to comment on this blog? Other than that Chatty Kathi, my bro, Amber and the occasional work/knitting bud, I never hear nothing from nobody. Are you all mute? (What's the computer equivalent of mute - keyboard-challenged?)

Sorry, just had to go off there. I do appreciate your readership, however silent. Seriously though, I'm getting a complex. Actually, yet another complex. And I already have plenty, what with only dating younger men who won't commit. But that's another post.

c'mon get happy

I'm all about UPBEAT! on this blog, and last night's post didn't measure up.  So here is a list of

Things making me happy this morning:

1. Not working
2. The perfect weather for not working
3. Getting kitty hickies from my latest kitten
4. The consulting work I'm doing (& getting paid for)
5. Henry's summer of camp, bikes & squirt guns
6. Blueberries are on sale at Costco
7. My knitting group drinks wine meets here tomorrow
8. My friend Mary & her crazy puppy who stay here weekends
9. The tadpoles growing in my pond-ette
10. Dressing like I was 12 all day (shorts/tank top/flipflops)

The absence of pain

Soaking in my hot tub tonight, I was thinking about all the times I had been there before, deeply in love and deeply in pain. I was struck with a realization. Sometimes, just a little, I miss the pain of breaking up.

I know that might disturb and perplex a few. You'll have to trust me when I say I'm not a masochist. I have a healthy sense of self-preservation and regard and (now and then) know what's best for me. Things are fine, everything's going alright, life is nice. I enjoy the simple pleasures of family, home and friends and spending time with myself: I enjoy my company. And I'm proud of myself for getting out of that destructive cycle of "make up to break up" (yes, I grew up in the 70's). But still . . .

Tonight I realized that that intense emotional state, be it love or pain, has left a sort of dullness now that it's gone.

Maybe this is what it's like to recover from addiction. Both the highs AND lows were somehow meaningful - the pleasure/pain receptors were firing and all that. Of course I don't wish for it to come back, and god forbid I ever go through that pain again. But I was feeling something deeply, and I guess I miss that intensity.

I may read this in disbelief tomorrow. But tonight, I just don't feel much of anything, and it's not just the wine.

Top 10 Work edition

Today is my department's official last day at our company, though we haven't actually been there for awhile. The swallowing and digesting of Edge by the Big Blue Globe is complete, and we've been spit out. Today we turn in keys and go to lunch, this time with margaritas. So, to mark the day:

Top ten things I'll miss about Edge:

1. My team, my peeps, my kids - I miss their energy and their stories.
2. Working with smart, motivated people who all like each other.
3. The candy in accounting.
4. Casual Friday every day.
5. Playing with the latest "devices" (cellphones)
6. Brainstorming on silly radio spots.
7. Hanging in PJ's office talking about knitting.
8. The warmth and openness of our CEO.
9. The company plane, stocked with donuts and beer.
10. Getting a paycheck every other week - sweet!

Over it

The spell has broken. The hook has come out. The chain has snapped. Pick your metaphor: I'm over it.

It is my on and off, drama-filled, wonderful/miserable relationship with my neighbor down the street. We were best friends and soulmates, but one of us couldn't commit long-term (as in: more than six months). He is sixteen years younger, but that's no excuse.

Yes, yes, I know: how many times have I said "This time it's really over!"? I won't even say it this time - maybe it's a jinx to my efforts to get past it. But this time it really feels different (I know, I've said that too). Only time will prove me right or wrong. My heart is on the mend, though there's still a bruise where it's been broken.

Meanwhile I'm out to keep digging my way to China. Primal, muddy, exhausting, satisfying work!

Water World

Here in the high desert, water is scarce (though you wouldn't know it to look at our green green golf courses (34 at last count) or our acres of suburban lawn). Water's on my mind as I tackle the projects of summer: cleaning gutters, cleaning and refilling the hot tub, setting up the vegetable garden, installing more drip irrigation, and the exciting one right now: building a water feature. (I love the term "water feature" - it's such realtor/landscaper talk.)

My lot is blessed with a towering natural rock outcropping, unusual for our suburban neighborhood. I've always dreamed about a waterfall and pool in these rocks, and this summer I have the time and motivation to build it.

What I have in mind is more of a seeping spring down the rock, like you see on the sides of the road over the passes here. So I'm digging out the sandpit I built six years ago for Henry and reclaiming it for a lovely little trickling "feature."

It's hard, messy, dirty work, and I've never been known for my digging skills. It will either be a simple, enjoyable project or one of those projects from hell where you spend loads of time and money and then hire somebody to fix it all.

I've been doing a lot of internet research and have compiled my shopping list: a pump (submersible, magnetic, direct drive? What size?), PVC hosing, clamps, skimmers, filters, liners, etc. Tomorrow I'm going to brave the landscaping supply store and allow the men there to guide me.

That's how I've done a lot of intimidating efforts by myself: renovating a sailboat; becoming a scuba instructor; starting my consulting business; adopting a baby, landscaping my lot and so on. By researching and asking a lot of questions of helpful neighbors, professionals, and total strangers. I appreciated Amber's comment about learning how to do things alone - I've been managing most of my adult life, and it's a continual source of personal accomplishment and confidence. As my sister says: "Girls can do anything!"

What projects have you tackled alone and mastered? What have you gotten out of it?

Random question meme

OK, Kathi D: I'm doing it. However, did you play  "10 things I've done that you haven't"? No? Let's see 'em, missy!

On to this week's random q's & a's.

What is your favorite quotable line from a movie?

 "I'll show you a life of the mind!" Guess which movie.

Who is the most famous person you have spoken to?

 I'm going to have to say Rodney Dangerfield. I even got kissed by him (ewww).

How many bags/boxes of potato chips are consumed at your place in a month?

 

None. Glad this wasn't about wine bottles.

Who is your all time favorite cartoon character?

Tweety Bird.

What foreign food dish do you prepare from scratch and serve?

Pad Thai. Are you impressed? Messiest dish ever.

What is your favorite section of the supermarket?

Um - the exit door?

What was your high school team’s mascot and what were the school’s colors?

The Fox Chapel Foxes!  "Red and white, we're all for you, raise our banners high-igh-igh-igh..." 4000 students - I'm not kidding. We were the pig in the baby boom python.

the Queen of Parsley

Today's harvest: arugula, parsley and sweetpea blossoms. Sunflowers, shallots and peas are progressing nicely as well.

It has been so beautiful here all week - not too hot, perfect temp. Friends have been dropping by for wine and meals, and the knitting group met here on the deck for some fresh air knitting. My X is out of town so I get some peace. And I'm not working, but getting paid. What could be better? If the kittens would stop crying so piteously, that's what.

How not to get over him

1. Keep his number on speed dial

2. Follow his baseball team, even though it's National League

3. Let your dog hang out with him

4. Ask him for help with your bird feeders

5. Calculate his time zone when he travels

6. Leave his photos on your screen saver

7. Picture the three freckles under his eyebrow

8. Take an afternoon nap together

9. Return his texts when he's out with his friends

10. Let him make you Sunday dinner

11. Wear your lucky skirt

12. Open a second bottle

    

Almost blue

Do you ever get in one of those moods?  Sad, nostalgic, moody, adrift?  Anomie, malaise; I could go on...

This post title refers to a great version of a song by Elvis Costello (no, not the album Almost Blue), but nobody says it better (or more) than Van Morrison:

In the afternoon, baby in my room
When the lights are dim way beyond the hill
In the afternoon, baby in my room
When I'm really down get me off the ground
Melancholia, melancholia, melancholia

In the morning time when I go outside
In the morning time it's like that all the while
In the afternoon when I'm in my room
Every single day, it won't go away
Melancholia, melancholia, melancholia

And it's in my heart, when we're apart
And it stops and starts, and it's in my heart
Every single day it's always in my way
When I'm making hay, all I've got to say
Melancholia, melancholia, melancholia

Well it's in my blood and it's in my veins
Here it comes again, when I'm in the rain
In the wind and rain, well the sun don't shine
Well it's always mine, all of the time
Melancholia, melancholia, melancholia

And it's in my life and it's all the time
It doesn't go away when the church bells chime
In the evening time when I drink my wine
In the evening time when it's on my mind
Melancholia, melancholia, melancholia

It's only melancholia
Oh melancholia, oh melancholia, oh melancholia, oh melancholia
Melancholia, melancholia
They call it, call it melancholia, call it melancholia, call it melancholia, call it melancholia
Call it melancholia, melancholia, melancholia, melancholia

OK, we get it, Van! You're seriously bumming!

I'm feeling the same way today.

I'm sick...

of being sick. Combination of allergy, sinus infection, cold, sore throat, whatever - it's been dragging me down for a few weeks. I'm one of those people who ignores stuff like this as long as possible, but I'm going in to see my nose doc tomorrow. [Funny that different body parts have different doctors.]

We tossed out the marketing department today. We went through files, cabinets, drawers, shelves and desks and threw out 7 years of hard work. It was quite dismaying. First to review all the work that had been done and recall how important it seemed at the time, then to see all the garbage it turned into. We kept saying "Won't they want this stuff? Shouldn't we be keeping it?" But no one actually cares.

Good lesson in the Buddhist principle of impermanence. Things change.

Day 13

I just realized that in the many years I've lived in Bend, I've never left for longer than a week. I've traveled: East Coast, California, Texas, Hawaii, Costa Rica, Spain - but each jaunt has been for 8 days or less.

I remember when I got my first real corporate-type job in NYC after grad school, when it sunk in that I'd only get one week off for the first several years. I was stunned: one week?! Cram the entire year's vacation into one week? This was after a life of summer vacations and under-employment. I felt like I'd been given a jail sentence.

Since then, I've learned to fit the vacation experience into one-week trips, extended weekend getaways, work trips that included relaxation time (Costa Rica beach, anyone?), and of course the random layoffs that occur with ad agencies. (Hard to relax when you're looking for work and close to broke,though.)

So the point of this ramble? I've never been away from my pets for this long. I really miss them.

top 10 tuesday: travel edition

Things we want to do back East:

1. Red Sox game, t-shirts, big pointing #1 fingers, the works
2. Smell the ocean (it smells different there)
3. Be around people of color
4. Buy rag rugs and jam at the Hendersonville Curb Market
5. Drive through the Big Dig tunnel (if the ceiling tiles stay up)
6. Eat New Haven pizza to see if it really is the best
7. Take the T in Boston
8. Eat a clam roll
9. Hang out by the pool with my family, reading mysteries
10. Mix my parents' annual gin and tonic